Preposterous Theological Statements: Episode 1

As many of you know, I am working my way toward a Ph.D. in Biblical studies. This involves, amongst other things, a ton of quality time in the library. A lot of the things I read are very good, but the process of winnowing can also be frustrating when the percentage of chaff of is very high. As a tribute to the theological chaff, I am starting a new series on the Speckled Mind called, "Preposterous Theological Statements." This will, I hope, help all of you to share the journey with me and participate in mocking and ridiculing Biblical scholars who have truly missed the point.

Our subject today is James M. Robinson, professor emeritus of religion at Claremont Graduate school in California. Robinson, a member of the Jesus seminar and prominent 'Q' theologian wrote the following preposterous theological statement:

"[Q is] the most important Christian document we have."

The preposterous nature of this statement is pretty evident. For those who don't know, Q is the proposed source material shared by Matthew and Luke that is not found in Mark. Basically the math works like this: If Matthew = Luke and does not = Mark, that = Q.

The biggest absurdity of the statement is that WE DON'T HAVE Q. It is a hypothetical source reconstructed by Biblical scholars who could find nothing better to do with their time. IF it ever existed--and some scholars consider that a big IF--it is lost and gone forever (oh, my darling Clementine).

Second, to say that it would be more important for the Christian layperson and scholar alike if we could reconstruct it with any certainty (which we can't) is just plain silly. How does a document with bare statements aid us more than the narrative beauty of the existing gospels?

Third, a hypothetical source is clearly NOT a 'document.' To say it is would be like referring to Pegasus as a farm animal. Which gives me an idea...

Mr. James Robinson--in your honor I have to assert that, "Pegasus is the most important farm animal we have."

How do these people get degrees?

Eye, Eye, Eye!

Anyone else who has gone through an eye exam knows what a strange phenomenon it is.

"One or Two?"

"Is this better, or this."

"Just look straight ahead." (as we shine a blinding light into your eyeball)

"Take off your glasses and try to read the bottom line for me."

And I'm thinking--if I could read the bottom line without my glasses, I probably wouldn't be here in the first place.

But, I needed new contacts, and an eye exam is apparently a prerequisite to getting them. One of the things that always bugs me is that machine that shoots little air bullets into your eyeballs. How is that helpful? And, it would have been really nice if the "technician"--and I use that term in the loosest way possible--would have warned me that it was coming. It scared the hell out of me.

Oh well. At least it wasn't as stressful as my last eye exam.

I Leave Town for FIVE MINUTES...

...AND YOU BURN DOWN MY FAVORITE PUB!?!

This is like a bad dream.

Seriously.

I want to know who's responsible for this. Brad? Jerod? Alan or Naomi? Dave? Perhaps Zach?

Whichever one of you forgot to blow out your candle last night must step forward and fess up immediately. And, I demand that you kids get that mess cleaned up before I get back to town.

The clock's ticking.

In Which My Sports Related Ire Is Evoked

If this story is true, and I have little reason to believe it isn't, I am angry.

Let's get this straight. We traded the best pitcher in baseball for four guys who haven't seen an inning of major league baseball. And, we didn't even get the best guy that the Mets had to offer.

How could this have happened??!! In December there were packages led by Jacoby Ellsbury, Jon Lester and Phil Hughes. And now we get four no-names that MAY AT SOME POINT be ready for the major leagues?

I'm too upset to type more.

Why Does The Mississippi River Flow South?

Ah, Iowa.

Jess and I had to unexpectedly return to the Midwest this past week to mourn the passing of her 95 year old grandma, Jeanne Spellmeyer.

A number of interesting things happened while we were there. First--and I can't possibly say this forcefully enough--it is impossible to get a decent cup of coffee in the state of Iowa. What they refer to as 'coffee' is little more than hot brown water (light brown). Weak coffee always puzzles me immensely. Why can't everyone just make stronger coffee and then ADD WATER TO IT later if they like it weaker?! It's far better to do it that way, because if it's made weak, I have no options for making it stronger.

I did finally find a Starbucks on our way out of the state though...which was better, but it still had weak coffee for a Starbucks...

Second, be sure to take a close look at the photo in this post (from a restaurant menu). It was taken at a restaurant in Eagle Grove, IA (the ONLY restaurant in Eagle Grove, I might add); it was called 'The Family Table.' Apparently a 'veggie burger' in Iowa still includes a 1/3 lb. patty of ground beef. Also note that it was strategically placed on the menu between the 'Bacon Cheeseburger' and 'The Tonner'. Absolutely spectacular.

Third, one thing I did appreciate about Iowa was its cheap movie tickets. A few of the Ovel cousins and I saw I Am Legend at a theater in Clarion, IA. It cost 2 bucks. Just think--if I lived in Iowa I could see 8 movies on the big screen for the cost of one flick as a DC resident.

But then, of course, I'd have to live in Iowa (insert joke here).

Christmas Happenings

Hi, friends.

Christmas in DC is off to a very good start. Last night, Jess surprised me by getting tickets to Handel's Messiah at the National Cathedral. The sound was absolutely amazing--transcendent, one might even say. A couple of etiquette issues bear mention though:

First, you cannot possibly whisper quietly enough to be unobtrusive in a venue like this. So...SHUT UP! If you want to talk, go to a bar.

Second, if a concert venue has beautiful natural reverb, DO NOT start clapping until the final chord has completely ceased.

In other Christmas news, Jess and I got our first real Christmas tree. It smells wonderful. It was surprisingly easy to set up and decorate--we got it level in about two minutes. In fact, the only awkward part of the process was loading the tree on top of my Honda and driving it back to the apartment. For those of you keeping score at home, the number of odd things I've hauled in/on my Honda are: a Christmas tree and an Ikea recliner. The latter was a spectacular bit of spacial engineering on my part, if I do say so myself.

And I do.

Oh, one more bit of Christmas related material--I bought my first eggnog of the season. I bought the 'Light 'Nog' version, so as not to die an early death. I hope that, in heaven, eggnog will be fat free. Until then, I will have to settle for the lite stuff as a concession--part of the 'not yet' of the eggnong eschatological tension.

To MLB Or Not To MLB?

Any of you who have known me for more than five minutes are aware that I love baseball. It is easily my favorite sport--I think I could watch a nine inning pitchers duel between the two worst teams in MLB.

So, when it comes time for the World Series, I'm all over it. I've been waiting for this all year; and, even though my Twins have no place in the conversation about MLB's best team, the series still greatly intrigues me.

I suppose my love for baseball was impressed upon me at an early age. I vividly remember watching the Twins play in the 1987 and 1991 world series. I'm almost positive that I watched every second of those games as a seven and eleven year old--they are some of my fondest father/son childhood memories.

Of course, that was back in the day when a kid was able to watch the world series...

Now? Well, now the games start really late, and the prognosticators blather on pointlessly for a half hour pre-game show. Josh Beckett didn't throw the first pitch tonight until 8:34 EST. That seems ridiculous to me. Sure, the networks will get their ratings, but WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS???

Oh well. To hell with the kids, right FOX? Who cares if they grow up to love baseball. Or, to speak your language, who cares if the kids grow up loving the game enough to buy merchandise, go to the ballpark or watch the world series in 20 years. Word to the wise--maybe you should care, FOX.

One way or another, I'm going to enjoy this series. Lots of great story lines--small market v. big market, Todd Helton finally getting to the series, the Rockies 20 out of 21 streak, Josh Beckett as the best post season pitcher of all time, Manny Ramirez's hair--I could go on and on.

There's just so much to love about baseball. But, of course, I've been raised to think that way.